


Bliss

by featheredpranks



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-30
Updated: 2012-09-30
Packaged: 2017-11-15 08:03:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/525017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/featheredpranks/pseuds/featheredpranks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, a part of Castiel resents what he has become.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bliss

**Author's Note:**

> At least post-season 6 or 7 It's deceivingly End!verse-y.  
> Hint: it’s not.

Castiel doesn’t have to try to be human. He heals like one, breathes like one, loves like one. He is human for intents and purposes. He’s certainly not the angel he used to be; he’s just a shell. And there are some times when he realizes it. It comes crashing down onto his shoulders, a rockslide of pain and longing. It’s anger and regret, envy and despair that he feels stabbing into his flesh, eating him from the inside.

Dean isn’t sure what to do when this happens. It’s a form of depression; they both know it, but it isn’t exactly easy to tell a psychiatrist that you’ve changed species and are currently suffering from withdrawal. So they cope. Castiel takes it out on himself until Dean catches his wrists and lets Cas windmill helplessly until he tires. Castiel allows him to bandage his knuckles and chide him softly as he wipes blood from the wall, the television, the mirror, the table. Other times, he will go straight to Dean and lay his head in his lap, limp and unfeeling. Wide blue eyes lose their luster even as the hunter strokes his dark brown tufts, as Castiel remembers and wants.

Rarely will Castiel actually take it out on Dean. It’s rare for several reasons. It requires acute relapse and remission of Castiel’s depressive thoughts. It must be less than a few seconds. And it feeds on the flicker of stubborn grace that clings to Castiel. Dean can sense it, whether he’s next to Cas on the mattress or across the clearing. Their eyes meet briefly, generating a sort of communicative spark-

_I was loved unconditionally. I followed my orders. I was obedient. I gave orders to my siblings. I was trusted and respected. I knew what I had to do. I had Purpose. We were absolute;_ _I was absolute. I knew nothing more than my Father’s words, the commands of my superiors and the battle cries of my brethren. If you had just been less of you and more of what you were supposed to be, I wouldn’t be here like this: imperfect, rotting, trapped, dying. They were right; they were all right. You were my ruin, my flaw. You could never understand being brought against your very nature, your essence. You were allowed to stay what Creation made you from the Beginning but you, you brought me down to my knees and plucked out my feathers one by one and still I fought for you. Every feather ached for everything that I was and I didn’t even notice that you-_

When they are nowhere near each other, Castiel blinks and lowers his eyes, frowning. Later, there might be an inconspicuous touch or brush against each other, but the incident is neatly ignored. If Castiel is in Dean’s personal space in public, he will just rest his forehead on Dean’s or his shoulder or nose. Dean pats him awkwardly and pushes him off.

It’s only at night that the apology goes to the fullest length, that Dean allows Castiel to apologize, to reassure, to explain. He doesn’t mean the awful emotions that Dean recieves during these episodes. That small part of him still wants to blame someone else for his Falling. 

“Dean,” Cas starts softly, having only blinked once this time since the event. “I do not think I would have ever known that being human could be so wonderful. It would not have been suggested or even thought. I am sorry that part of me cannot let go.”

The Winchester strokes Castiel’s tan jaw with a thumb, listening.

“I used to believe I was content in Heaven. I was not aware of the joys of Free Will. And though I grossly distorted the term-“

“Cas you don’t have to g-“

“Allow me to finish, Dean. Though I once grossly distorted the meaning of Free Will, I understand it better n-mmph?” Dean places a soft kiss on his lips and smiles sadly.

“That’s the thing, Cas. Ignorance is bliss. The less you know, the happier you are where you are with what you’re doing. Then you learn more and you want to do something, write your own books (if you’re Sam, that is), make your own guns. Why do we hunt? Because we know what’s out there, that’s why. We can’t stand by and watch people get killed. You found out and you acted. That’s just how it should go.”

Hearing this, Castiel just smiles. After all, this is what makes humans his Father’s greatest creation. They were not created to be righteous. They were created to control their wills yet many of them choose to be virtuous anyway.

Glancing upward, he silently thanks his Father for humanity.

**Author's Note:**

> Another tumblr transfer.


End file.
